A jaguar on loan to Delhi National Zoological Park is to be returned because he’s too fat to f***. 12-year-old Salman was borrowed from Thiruvananthapuram Zoological Garden in Kerala one year ago, but has been uninterested in the resident female jaguar, Kalpana. He reaches for food “more keenly than for Kalpana.” To a reporter from the Indian Express, zoo manager Riaz Khan bewailed, “The female is seen trying to entice him but he lies in a corner and refuses to respond.” Salman prefers the sin of gluttony to that of lust.
Just what Salman eats
At this zoo, jaguars are fed 13 pounds of buffalo meat each day in the summer, six days a week. With other jaguars, there are leftovers; not so with Salman, who eats more than a tiger and keepers believe he would eat even more if he was allowed to. He was placed on a strict diet to no effect. He was also allowed into a larger enclosure in the hope that he would gain more exercise, but all he did was “stroll for a bit, then lie in a corner.”
Previously, Salman was believed to possess a strong mating tendency, but his partner in Kerala, Sangeetha, is post-menopausal and finds his overtures annoying. Sangeetha is extremely old and has endured numerous operations. Once, she pushed Salman away when he made advances, and he took her paw in his teeth, breaking her skin and bones. This necessitated surgery, her recovery from which was believed by keepers to be a miracle. Before the breeding loan, his home zoo reported him to be “fit” but now, while he has not been officially weighed, keepers believe him to be “much heavier” than the usual 220 pounds, and too fat to f***.
Might it be trauma?
One keeper remarked, “He is lazy, a glutton, just loves to eat and relax.” Consequently, Khan is of the opinion: “He was brought for a purpose and if he is not fulfilling that purpose then what is the point in keeping him here?” But fat arse Salman’s supporters at the zoo pointed out that Delhi’s own two male jaguars also failed to get it up with Kalpana, possibly due to the anguish of their relocation. So perhaps Salman is traumatised and not merely too fat to f***. He will at least be retained until the one-year loan period expires, with the zoo “hoping against hope.”
All about jaguars
Jaguars resemble leopards, but their black bits contain a spot while those of leopards are solid and they are stockier, having shorter legs and tail. There are only 292 of them in the world so they are designated “near threatened” on the red list of the International Union for Conservation of Nature and Natural Resources. Hunting them is prohibited in some countries. They have no breeding season, so shagging is perennial.
Elsewhere in India, Vishal, a white tiger at Alipore zoo in Kolkata, also failed to perform, rejecting the advances of a tigress despite having been given vitamins to enhance his libido. Instead of being too fat to f***, this has been blamed on shyness, the result of his lifetime spent in captivity.
Timothy Chilman used to work in IT. Once, in Sydney, he was turned down for a job because he was “too flamboyant” (“Someone who wears green tartan suspenders to a job interview probably isn’t going to fit in here”). Timothy then became an English teacher. University students in Bangkok complained that he was “too enthusiastic” and company students in Prague complained that he was “too theatrical.”